bear with me. This is not about discipleship in Christian high schools, or modesty, or even about how to get a hole in one at mini golfing (which we all know I'm pro at. Take me sometime, I'll show you up. Or don't and save your pride. Whatever. ;))
Two things are driving me crazy right now, and there must be a correlation.
Most of you know what I'm up to right now: finishing up some of my assignments for Redeemer and prepping to leave for SBS (School of Biblical Studies, more info on the right of your screen (view full version if you're on mobile!)) in 3 weeks. Yup. 3. That means in 3 weeks from today I'll be in Winnipeg with one of my dear friends (which I am super stoked about) and then 1 week after that I'll be sitting in my first SBS class in Lakeside. Yup. Leavin in 3, startin in 4. Crazy.
But I'm just not quite sure where my heart is at. I am completely excited somewhere in the depths of my being to learn more about Scripture, to spend 9 months reading that Book alone and to gain a better understanding of the story of Scripture and how my life today is a part of that story that started with just one perfect man and a bunch of animals in a garden. Well, how it started with just one God who wanted to share His love with a creation He designed, really. But here's the deal: I'm just not feelin it. You know? Like that feeling when you want to be excited from your toes to your nose. That feeling that gives you tingling in the pit of your stomach. That feeling that motivates you to go beyond who you are and accomplish something ridiculous. That? Yeah, that's just not there.
I just got home from a most wonderful 24(ish) hours away. I went and attended a service at my friend's (my BFF, not just my F, so I should clarify) church, which was great. The worship was real and message was honest, and it was just so good to be with her as shortly we'll part ways, both heading to YWAM, both looking forward just to what God is going to do. We spent the night eating pizza and acting like 12 year old girls, laughing and chatting and giggling and squirming with delight. It is so refreshing to spend time with good friends and to know you are totally comfortable in your own skin with that person (there's been a lot of that in the last 3 days. It's been good). I also just love spending time chatting with her family - they are likely one of the most respectable, honest and loving group of people (as much as it hasn't always been like that - God has done some seriously amazing things in their lives that is just so encouraging!) and they're always willing to listen as the Lord leads. It's truly great to witness a family who is so intentional about following the Lord. What a testimony of God's goodness! I left that home with a sense of goodness, and the whole drive home I listened to some Jesus Culture and belted out nearly every tune very loud and very off key. I was probably about halfway home when it hit me that I just wasn't feelin it. I mean, last night I hadn't really been feelin it either. It was a great service where I know God was present, and the music I was listening to now was some great worship - so how come I was doubting? How come I was questioning where He could be?
As I continued to drive, now silent and in deep consideration of this, I began to realize some things.
Second driving-me-crazy thing. I've been wrestling with desire, what it means and how it can be healthy. Oftentimes attraction happens very quickly - it's like it sneaks in looking all smooth and good, but suddenly you realize what hit you and you just don't know how to deal. Your feelings are bouncing off the walls and you can't control what is going on. You beg God to take it away and you plead for the peace you'd only minutes ago been experiencing. You question "why me!? why now!?" and it only makes things worse. You feel deeply and painfully as you consider the implications of taking action on the who who is drawing your attention, playing out the different scenarios in your minds eye, nearly all of which end up with you both on a white horse riding into the sunset. You get back to begging and pleading and the frustration of not knowing the answer to your questions.
And I can't articulate what it is about this struggle that makes me feel there is a correlation between it and the non-feelings I have when considering my relationship with Christ.
After I got home I went into Starbucks to visit with my buxies (aka, the regulars), and I ran into a friend and her mom. I asked how her summer was going and she proceeded to tell me stories, one in particular about being at camp and not feeling God. It's not that she wasn't excited about being at camp and leading and worshiping - but there was just no feelings, no emotions. She said this lasted for the first 4 days, and then suddenly it hit. The presence. The soul. The overwhelming, blow-your-socks-off, crazy intense breath of Holy Spirit.
So what's the correlation between all of this? If I knew, I would explain exactly what's going on, but I can't. Not fully anyways.
If you are married you'll know the feeling, and if you are not married you've likely heard the story. And that is that you don't always feel in love. There are not always butterflies and rainbows and lollipops. There is nothing that is knocking you over, and there are no horses and sunsets. But more often in not, there is still a foundation. And that foundation is what keeps you standing. You know that you felt those things once. You know that you made a commitment to love and cherish, for better or for worse. You know that there are valleys, but there are also mountain tops. You know that this stone heart is meant to be a heart of flesh. You know there is something more to live for than what you feel.
And as I heard Kim Walker sing, "He is jealous for me," it hit me that hey - He is jealous for me. He fights for me. He longs for me. He has my best interests at heart. He knows my name. He sees my next step. He can't wait for me to wake up in the morning to spend the day with me. He knows my every weakness. He hurts when I hurt. He desires me. He is committed to loving and cherishing me, at my best and at my worst.
And not only does He do this for me, but He does it for you.
It's quite bizarre, when you think about it. That this crazy God knows each of us by name. He designed our quirks and oddities. He thinks it's hilarious when you start every story with, "so I have a funny story." He is so proud when you accomplish something new for the first time. He's excited for you when there is nobody around to acknowledge that you just baked a cake (from scratch!) and it actually tastes good. He knows your every longing and the desire that tries to hide in the corner of your heart. He feels the pain you feel when you're confused and lonely.
And it is in those moments when He beckons. When He whispers for you to come close. When all He wants to do is hold His precious child close.
And I think that's what He is saying to me. He wants me to be still, and He wants to calm these anxieties. To take my desires and to wrestle with me. To cry over hopes yet unreached. To laugh at the days to come. To wonder when that unique happiness will present itself. To smile at the excitement of provision.
He's got some plan, He's had it from the beginning. So rather than sit and stew and try to ignore the way I feel and don't feel, I'm just going to let it happen. Because I know that in it, regardless of whether or not I feel it, He's there. He's gotta be there. He's always there. Here. Right now. Watching me. Moving my fingers to the next letter. He's got me. And all this is just a piece to the jigsaw puzzle of the testimony of my life. What the picture actually looks like? I have no idea. But this is a part of it.
I don't know if I would call of this a thorn in the flesh, as Paul may refer to it, so much as an experience that pushes me to press in to what God wants to show me. As John Piper says, "If you're crying out, 'Abba, help!' the Holy Spirit is witnessing with
your spirit. You're the child of God, and you're being kept."
Mmmm. Rest in that as you sink into your dreams tonight.
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